Last fall I was struggling with a husband who was in a rut. He had plateaued. He wasn’t losing weight. He was becoming frustrated and very vocal. I was tired of hearing him complain. I offered suggestions to the menu, I offered suggestions in the gym. I researched and sent him essays and blog posts on all these different things. In the end we fought.
At no point when he complained was he looking for a solution from me. He was just venting. He would still go down to the gym, he’d still work out, he was just in a rut and wanted an ear. I totally missed that cue.
I was feeling defeated at this point, I thought I was suppose to be helping. I couldn’t help. I wasn’t helping. I wanted to help.
I talked to a women on twitter I admired as a strong traditional values and traditional marriage woman. Her suggestion was simple: “You need to make him feel in control, respected. I’d start there. Ignore the weight. If he brings it up give him a blow job. His desire to be hot has to come from himself, You are his motivation. He has to want to do it for his devoted wife who loves him”
Um – so I reward him for complaining?? Well that sounds super counter productive. I protested, she shot me do. “Give it a try” Okay – I gave it a try. And it helped! After a week I didn’t hear him complain about his weight. His mood had improved and when he talked about his plateau he was not venting he was just working through new ideas and actually coming to me to bounce ideas around.
So let’s talk about this tweet:
Today my husband broke my watch. I had asked him to fix it, and in doing so he shattered the face of it. He was in the garage and when he walked into the kitchen he had the most defeated look on his face. I was MAD! I didn’t yell though, I didn’t scream. I almost wanted to laugh he looked so sad.
I needed a minute though. I told him “no big we’ll deal with it later, maybe it was time for a new watch.” I tried to blow it off thinking that would ensure he didn’t feel worse. He quietly retreated to his office.
I finished the dishes and as I was settling on the couch to read I realized this is what my mentor was talking about – he needed to know that I wasn’t mad. And as I’ve said before his love language is touch. It wasn’t about rewarding the broken watch. It was about showing him, in a way that really resonated with him I wasn’t truly mad at him. I’m bummed about my watch, sure. But I’m not mad at him. And so I do what wives can do best and knelt before my king.
Until next time