Marriage · Personal Development

There can only be one captain

Last night a girl on Reddit asked me why am I okay with my husband making decisions for the family? She was responding to a comment I made about my personal growth. I had recognized some of my poor behavior and was explaining how I would blow him off when he expressed his opinion and then I would turn around and be annoyed he never expressed his opinion. This gal just could not fathom the idea of a husband making all my decisions.

Let’s get one thing straight. My husband does not, and never has, made my decisions for me. But, when it comes to the family he makes a good majority of them.

Why?

Well, because I trust him and his intentions. Because it is part of men’s nature to lead. Because we talked about our goals before we got married and we have very similar ones. Additionally, I have little interest in leading. I enjoy being a helper. And I find a sense of purpose in supporting my husband’s goals.

I’m not ignoring my goals, I have those too – but I take pride in being his support system. Being a strong women is partially having the ability to have your own goals and support someone else’s goals. It’s like we’re a team or something!

There is a line between being a traditional wife and being a doormat. When your husband becomes your babysitter, and you have no goals of your own, well then you have become a doormat.

Part of my personal development as I grow as a wife is about learning how to communicate when I disagree or when I don’t appreciate the path he’s taking. The goal is to stay respectful through the entire conversation. When he doesn’t like something I’m doing and expresses that opinion I don’t stomp my feet and throw a tantrum like a child. I listen, digest, and then respond.

Story time: Only a few weeks into living at our current house we needed some work done on the well. We knew this going in, it was no surprise. The well guys were working on the system and we were without water for about 3 days. In that time Ryan fiddled with the water softener by pass and something broke. We are standing in Home Depot at 9pm (they close at 10) and my husband is trying to explain to his panicked fiance how he’s going to plumb a new softener by pass before the morning. For him this was easy, he had it all engineered in his head he had no worries. I did not trust him. He had never sweat pipe (yes, he had I didn’t know that). I questioned everything I bothered him so much with my indecision that we left the store empty handed and went another day with out water. The next day, he sat me down and calmly explained his plan that I never let him explain the day before. By that night we had everything together and the utility room cleaned up and glorious running water.

If you want him to lead – get out of his way.

My indecision, and my inability to let him take the lead caused a lot of frustration on both our parts. It showed that I didn’t trust that he knew what he was doing. It also made me look like a child standing there in the store ranting about this whole thing.

My husband has a wonderful quality where he admits he does not know everything, and there are times he knows I may have more understanding on a topic. So what does he do? He defers to me, or he asks questions. He won’t make a decision uninformed, it’s one of the many reasons I love him.

A good leader grows his strengths and is aware of his weaknesses. He relies on his crew to keep the ship sailing whether or not he’s at the helm. And, his right hand is always his loyal wife.

Until next time,

Iris

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Featured Image Photo Credit: www.flickr.com/photos/patrick/
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