“I’m bored. I’m newly married – and flippen bored!!” When I said this to one of my mentors she just laughed and teased me “No one told you about that part, huh?” She’s been married 20+ years to the same man and is raising their 3 teenage boys.
Unless you have a 4 month engagement with a quick courthouse ceremony most likely you’ve spent the better part of a year planning your wedding reception. My engagement was 22 months, but the last 12 were the bulk of the planning. When you’re in the thick of it you don’t realize how much you are putting aside to focus on the wedding.
My hobbies took a back seat, my writing took a back seat, my personal growth ended up taking a backseat. When I didn’t have something going on I didn’t want anything going on. There were months we did not have a free weekend between fixing our house up and planning this wedding. Even if I wanted to go be social we were watching every penny while we saved and spent for the wedding and the house so we would not have wedding debt after the big day.
When we finally got to the honeymoon, we sat – and we napped (yeah let’s call it napping) – and we drank too much – and we ate too much – and we just did nothing. It was fantastic! I wanted to do this all the time. I wanted to do nothing. Plan nothing. See no-one. We were tired, and we were adjusting to life as a married couple.
The problem is when this became the new normal – I had nothing in the works for future projects. I had almost nothing planned for the upcoming months. I had set myself up for …. nothing.
I ended up venting to Ryan about how cranky and frustrated and “unhappy” I was. While we talked he helped to point out that I wasn’t doing much other then laying around the house. I usually had a dozen projects all going at once and I had nothing. I had put so much of myself into planning the wedding I didn’t focus on anything else. I wasn’t unhappy – I was bored – and I brought it on myself. I put some thoughts down in my journal and set a coffee date with my mentor. I needed to get back on track.
Get back into your hobbies
When you’re in a LTR, especially a marriage, you still need a sense of self. Having hobbies that include and don’t include your spouse help you find that sense of purpose.
- One to do alone in the home – sewing, knitting, writing, cooking, gardening
- One to do alone outside the home – group fitness class, activities with girlfriends, craft classes
- One to do together – Bike rides, concerts in the park, town activities, double/triple dates.
Make time for friends
Something I’ve heard from lots of girls “I didn’t talk to my bridesmaids for a year after the wedding”. Why? These are supposedly your best friends – your sisters. I now make it a point to visit with my friends once a month. Not every friend every month but at least one friend a month. It’s my time away from Ryan with my girls. We get our nails done, go to a painting class, grab dinner on a patio of a trendy restaurant. I book it in advances so R knows this is my one night of the month with my girls. He also takes time with his friends and I respect that. His time alone with his friends is just as important as my time with my friends. While we enjoy double dates with our couple friends it’s nice to also have time alone with friends to just be girls.
Continue to plan for the future
While you adjust to a new day to day routine continue to plan long term. Sit down and make some serious decisions about financials, future children, ect. Keep the conversation about your marriage goals going and return to that conversation on a regular basis. Find your purpose in your future planning. For me – that’s kids. While we aren’t quite there yet I know it’s a goal in the near future and so I can plan accordingly.
Being a newlywed is fun – but when you’ve spent the better part of a year focusing on a huge project, such as a wedding, you’re bound to find yourself in a patch of boredom. Take a breath – make some plans – and don’t fret. A marriage is not a single chapter in your life, it is lots of chapters in your book. Most of all don’t mistake boredom for unhappiness.
Until next time,
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